For most of my adult life, I have been running from any connection with my natural family. My father passed away about 15 years ago; and I began praying for my mother, the source of my childhood abuse. I know that those prayers have brought healing to my heart.
I have been asked several times, including from my husband, "If you are healed, why didn't you reach out to your mother to build a connection with her...or with your other family members." That is a difficult question to answer. But, I'll try. I did attempt at one time to express forgiveness to my mother, and the response was her denial that she needed any forgiveness from me; then more of her violent comments and threats continued. She did not want my forgiveness, but I offered it anyway. That was when I began praying that God would work in her heart.
As for the rest of the family, my memories are filled with violence and threats of violence. There was nothing I could do to protect myself and my children from them, except to cut off all connection to them. I believe God has made it possible for me to put them and their violence behind me. Although, I did not have those propensities, I was afraid that I would someday become like them. About 20 years ago, my husband took a step in helping me to separate myself from those fears. He changed my middle name, the same as my mother's, and gave me a name that would reflect that change in heart. Now I, like the biblical Ruth, have left the "country" of my birth, and have chosen to follow my husband into a relationship with those of my "new country," those who have made a personal decision to follow Jesus Christ.
However, I have recently been able to make a connection with a former sister-in-law and her son, both strong Christians. I was concerned about how this meeting would affect me. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed my time with them. As a matter of fact, if my nephew had hugged me any harder, we would have been permanently attached. It was great to see his enthusiasm at being with me after about a 15 year absence. We all spent time catching up on where we are today, and then started looking through the paperwork she brought with her. I was surprised at some of her findings because they differed from what I had learned, but the information she had regarding my immediate family, including family pictures from my childhood, interested me the most. I have no pictures, so was intrigued by what she found. There were school pictures and some pictures of my family. One was of my father and 7 of their 9 children. Another was one of my mother and father. Not only were the pictures old, but my memories of my parents are almost as old, and my memory was correct. I truly do look very much like my mother.
Some of the pictures were of siblings who were separated from the family; when they were six years old and younger they were placed up for adoption. The oldest of those children was never adopted, but was raised in a stable foster home situation. I met him when he was about 30. He was also a Christian. Those pictures brought the good times we had with each other back into my mind and my heart. My sister-in-law stated that this brother would love to reunite with me. I agreed and gave her permission to give him the information he would need.
Am I still running from my family? No, I do not believe I am. However, I continue to choose not to go back into the world of those controlled by their violence. Does this decision feed the infections that I spoke of earlier? I do not think so. There is a reality about safety that needs to be acknowledged. As a wife and mother, I have an obligation to create a safe haven for my family. Yes, the memories are difficult to face, but God has shown me that He truly has brought a great deal of healing to my heart.
