It appears that privacy is a thing of the past. If you want to know anything about anyone all you need to do is go to the search button on your computer screen. This may be a way for old friends to reconnect, but it can be so much more.
When children are placed for adoption, files used to be closed. That is back when closed meant closed. That is not always true any more.
In 1960, my four youngest siblings were placed for adoption. When this first done, I felt like my world was over - how dare they take my children. I was only 10 years old. However, as an adult, I know this was the best way to protect those children. I've thought about them almost everyday since. I dreamed about the day we would all be united. Now, I hope it does not happen for my youngest sister.
About 35-40 years ago, I received a phone call, "Is this Marcia Lathrop?" When I told her "yes", she asked me my maiden name.Very quickly this lady explained herself. She said she was the foster mother of my brother who was then 16 and he wanted to meet me. I thought, "How did she find me?" She told me she knew someone who knew someone who worked in the county records department, and was able to find me. Then she asked if I would be willing to meet with her and my brother. I agreed and a time was given for our meeting.
They arrived, and we talked for a couple of years. I learned that he was returned to foster care after a failed adoption, and wanted to find his family. He needed to know why he was given away.
I tried to explain what his birth family was like, the anger and violence of my mother, and the lack of any kind of care. I did not give him any names, but encouraged him to go home and forget about us. I also told him that if he did find the rest of the family, he would not hear the truth. They would tell him that we lived a Beaver Cleaver lifestyle and that the state simply came into our home and ripped their children from them. I knew that nothing I told him would be supported, including the fact that our parents willingly signed the children away in order to avoid a prison sentence.
Neither he or his foster mother listened to my advice. They went back to their source and located my older brother. As I knew would happen, he did not support what I told him, but stated the family was very happy and the government separated the family for no reason. As a result of the confusion this placed in his mind, my younger brother returned home and we have never heard from him again. My grandparents with who he lived for a couple of years, said that he wanted to simply disappear.
Over the next 5 years, 2 more of the 4 children have surfaced. Sadly one of the boys had a similar experience as the boy I met first. The oldest of the 3 boys was placed in a foster home and never adopted. He had a great set of parents and chose not to look for us until his foster mother died. There is still one sibling whom my brothers are trying to find. I hope they never do.
It's not that I don't want to know her. I do. However, my desires are not necessarily the best thing in this case. Statistics have shown that those happy reunions that we see on TV are rare. It is more common for the meeting to be hurtful for either the parental or child side. I have seen the reaction and pain that two of my brothers have endured. I do not want the same for my sister.
According to information given us through a mediator, she does not want to meet us. She did let us know that she works for the government somewhere in another country. She stated that when she was adopted, she had vaginal cigarette burns, and has been almost blind and deaf from the beginning. She has had great parents that have given her lots of love and support. Why would anyone want to put her into facing the reality of those 6 weeks she spent in our natural home?
