I started this blog as a means of helping myself and others deal with issues of domestic violence and/or child abuse. However, I've decided that sometimes, I make myself a victim.
This summer has been very eventful, and as more events occurred, I started on that "oh,me" "oh,my" routine. I re-injured my right shoulder just after school finished. I went to my doctor who treated it with a cortizone shot, with possible rehab. When the shot didn't work, I went to an orthopedist who decided that I've injured the rotator cuff and now have to have surgery.
Meanwhile, the people who were living rent free in our home in exchange for their labor in finishing the moldings moved into their own home and did very little of the work they promised to do almost 3 years ago. Then about 5 days later, we returned to the home to pick something up and discovered an upstairs toilet leak had turned the whole house into a flood zone. We were told that it looked like everything was going to be taken down to the studs and then be rebuilt.
This is not at all how I expected this summer to go, and I was feeling rather gloomy. But, praise be to God, He helped me remember that whatever I face, He is there to walk through everything with me. I am so thankful that I serve a God who meets my emotional needs. A shoulder that needs repairing and a house that needs to be rebuilt...I can leave those in His care and rejoice that He not only is willing to take it, but that He asks me to give it to Him. What a wonderful God I serve.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
The Privacy of Adoption
It appears that privacy is a thing of the past. If you want to know anything about anyone all you need to do is go to the search button on your computer screen. This may be a way for old friends to reconnect, but it can be so much more.
When children are placed for adoption, files used to be closed. That is back when closed meant closed. That is not always true any more.
In 1960, my four youngest siblings were placed for adoption. When this first done, I felt like my world was over - how dare they take my children. I was only 10 years old. However, as an adult, I know this was the best way to protect those children. I've thought about them almost everyday since. I dreamed about the day we would all be united. Now, I hope it does not happen for my youngest sister.
About 35-40 years ago, I received a phone call, "Is this Marcia Lathrop?" When I told her "yes", she asked me my maiden name.Very quickly this lady explained herself. She said she was the foster mother of my brother who was then 16 and he wanted to meet me. I thought, "How did she find me?" She told me she knew someone who knew someone who worked in the county records department, and was able to find me. Then she asked if I would be willing to meet with her and my brother. I agreed and a time was given for our meeting.
They arrived, and we talked for a couple of years. I learned that he was returned to foster care after a failed adoption, and wanted to find his family. He needed to know why he was given away.
I tried to explain what his birth family was like, the anger and violence of my mother, and the lack of any kind of care. I did not give him any names, but encouraged him to go home and forget about us. I also told him that if he did find the rest of the family, he would not hear the truth. They would tell him that we lived a Beaver Cleaver lifestyle and that the state simply came into our home and ripped their children from them. I knew that nothing I told him would be supported, including the fact that our parents willingly signed the children away in order to avoid a prison sentence.
Neither he or his foster mother listened to my advice. They went back to their source and located my older brother. As I knew would happen, he did not support what I told him, but stated the family was very happy and the government separated the family for no reason. As a result of the confusion this placed in his mind, my younger brother returned home and we have never heard from him again. My grandparents with who he lived for a couple of years, said that he wanted to simply disappear.
Over the next 5 years, 2 more of the 4 children have surfaced. Sadly one of the boys had a similar experience as the boy I met first. The oldest of the 3 boys was placed in a foster home and never adopted. He had a great set of parents and chose not to look for us until his foster mother died. There is still one sibling whom my brothers are trying to find. I hope they never do.
It's not that I don't want to know her. I do. However, my desires are not necessarily the best thing in this case. Statistics have shown that those happy reunions that we see on TV are rare. It is more common for the meeting to be hurtful for either the parental or child side. I have seen the reaction and pain that two of my brothers have endured. I do not want the same for my sister.
According to information given us through a mediator, she does not want to meet us. She did let us know that she works for the government somewhere in another country. She stated that when she was adopted, she had vaginal cigarette burns, and has been almost blind and deaf from the beginning. She has had great parents that have given her lots of love and support. Why would anyone want to put her into facing the reality of those 6 weeks she spent in our natural home?
When children are placed for adoption, files used to be closed. That is back when closed meant closed. That is not always true any more.
In 1960, my four youngest siblings were placed for adoption. When this first done, I felt like my world was over - how dare they take my children. I was only 10 years old. However, as an adult, I know this was the best way to protect those children. I've thought about them almost everyday since. I dreamed about the day we would all be united. Now, I hope it does not happen for my youngest sister.
About 35-40 years ago, I received a phone call, "Is this Marcia Lathrop?" When I told her "yes", she asked me my maiden name.Very quickly this lady explained herself. She said she was the foster mother of my brother who was then 16 and he wanted to meet me. I thought, "How did she find me?" She told me she knew someone who knew someone who worked in the county records department, and was able to find me. Then she asked if I would be willing to meet with her and my brother. I agreed and a time was given for our meeting.
They arrived, and we talked for a couple of years. I learned that he was returned to foster care after a failed adoption, and wanted to find his family. He needed to know why he was given away.
I tried to explain what his birth family was like, the anger and violence of my mother, and the lack of any kind of care. I did not give him any names, but encouraged him to go home and forget about us. I also told him that if he did find the rest of the family, he would not hear the truth. They would tell him that we lived a Beaver Cleaver lifestyle and that the state simply came into our home and ripped their children from them. I knew that nothing I told him would be supported, including the fact that our parents willingly signed the children away in order to avoid a prison sentence.
Neither he or his foster mother listened to my advice. They went back to their source and located my older brother. As I knew would happen, he did not support what I told him, but stated the family was very happy and the government separated the family for no reason. As a result of the confusion this placed in his mind, my younger brother returned home and we have never heard from him again. My grandparents with who he lived for a couple of years, said that he wanted to simply disappear.
Over the next 5 years, 2 more of the 4 children have surfaced. Sadly one of the boys had a similar experience as the boy I met first. The oldest of the 3 boys was placed in a foster home and never adopted. He had a great set of parents and chose not to look for us until his foster mother died. There is still one sibling whom my brothers are trying to find. I hope they never do.
It's not that I don't want to know her. I do. However, my desires are not necessarily the best thing in this case. Statistics have shown that those happy reunions that we see on TV are rare. It is more common for the meeting to be hurtful for either the parental or child side. I have seen the reaction and pain that two of my brothers have endured. I do not want the same for my sister.
According to information given us through a mediator, she does not want to meet us. She did let us know that she works for the government somewhere in another country. She stated that when she was adopted, she had vaginal cigarette burns, and has been almost blind and deaf from the beginning. She has had great parents that have given her lots of love and support. Why would anyone want to put her into facing the reality of those 6 weeks she spent in our natural home?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Abused Children Need Each Other
I've had several opportunities over the past couple of months to share my story. One of those opportunities was when I spoke to professionals about the events that happened to me how these same experiences cause pain for many young people today. Of course, most of these professionals were aware of what abuse can do to the children - becoming withdrawn or becoming angry, acting out sexually, not trusting anyone, etc.
Then I spoke about the importance of the security factor for these children. Most children find their security in their parents; however, children who have been hurt by their parents find their security in each other. My brothers and sisters were separated from me when we went into the foster care system; I was 10 years old. They were my babies and I was their mother figure. That single event has been one of the most difficult events for me to overcome.
When I spoke of this event, a social worker asked me what options I could give them because there are very few homes where families are willing to take large groups of children. According to this individual, most foster parents do not seem to mind taking 2 or possibly 3, but keeping siblings together is almost impossible. I couldn't speak strongly enough of the importance of keeping these children in a family unit. If it means finding homes where parents are willing to take large families, and use them for that purpose, that is what must be done. Alternatives, not as good as keeping them together, would be to place them in nearby homes, so the children can walk to each others' homes and see each other in school. If that does not work, then they need to make it the responsibility of the parents in the foster homes to provide opportunities for the children to spend time together at least a couple times a week. She was surprised to realize that there were some things they could do.
The sooner these children are reached and given security with each other, the earlier these children will find healing for their hurts. It's not enough to take them out of the abusive home; these children need help - psychologically and spiritually.
Then I spoke about the importance of the security factor for these children. Most children find their security in their parents; however, children who have been hurt by their parents find their security in each other. My brothers and sisters were separated from me when we went into the foster care system; I was 10 years old. They were my babies and I was their mother figure. That single event has been one of the most difficult events for me to overcome.
When I spoke of this event, a social worker asked me what options I could give them because there are very few homes where families are willing to take large groups of children. According to this individual, most foster parents do not seem to mind taking 2 or possibly 3, but keeping siblings together is almost impossible. I couldn't speak strongly enough of the importance of keeping these children in a family unit. If it means finding homes where parents are willing to take large families, and use them for that purpose, that is what must be done. Alternatives, not as good as keeping them together, would be to place them in nearby homes, so the children can walk to each others' homes and see each other in school. If that does not work, then they need to make it the responsibility of the parents in the foster homes to provide opportunities for the children to spend time together at least a couple times a week. She was surprised to realize that there were some things they could do.
The sooner these children are reached and given security with each other, the earlier these children will find healing for their hurts. It's not enough to take them out of the abusive home; these children need help - psychologically and spiritually.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
I am amazed at the number of students I have who have been sexually abused in their childhood. After students read my short story in Pearl Girls, they have been falling out of the woodwork. One asked me, "Do you really talk about what happened to you?" When I told her I talked about it so that I could help others face their abuse. After telling me she could never talk about anything like that, she began sobbing and admitted that her father sexually abused her when she was in the 6th grade.
Then I found myself with two students who fell into deep depression ending up in the hospital and then on medication. These young women had been holding all that ugliness inside and finally could no longer face what was done to them.
I have been asked to speak at a seminar later this month on the issue of childhood sexual abuse. When I told my students about the seminar in order that they could learn how to help others, I have been surprised about their response. Many of them will be attending, not only to hear me, but to spend the afternoon working with psychologists to learn those skills. That announcement drew several more students to me to hear my story and share their experience. I've referred several them to a Christian counselor who helped me deal with the memories and resulting phobias. They still come to visit, but I know they are getting the help earlier than I did and will most likely heal from those emotional injuries.
Another response of some the young women who have come to me is to use their abuse as an excuse for their lack of effort - attending class, doing homework, etc. They do not appreciate it when I tell them that those issues will only continue to haunt them if they continue to allow them to be crutches or obstacles to moving forward.
I never thought ahead as to what my life story would lead me into. I recognize that I do not have the professional skills of counseling, but I do pray and check in with them often. I can actually see the healing process being effective for a couple of them. This brings such joy to me.
As Paul said in Romans 8:28, God really does make the trials in our life become something good. I am not only given the right to speak from experience to these girls, I am able to show them the mighty power and love of Jesus Christ, and that He is the true Healer.
Then I found myself with two students who fell into deep depression ending up in the hospital and then on medication. These young women had been holding all that ugliness inside and finally could no longer face what was done to them.
I have been asked to speak at a seminar later this month on the issue of childhood sexual abuse. When I told my students about the seminar in order that they could learn how to help others, I have been surprised about their response. Many of them will be attending, not only to hear me, but to spend the afternoon working with psychologists to learn those skills. That announcement drew several more students to me to hear my story and share their experience. I've referred several them to a Christian counselor who helped me deal with the memories and resulting phobias. They still come to visit, but I know they are getting the help earlier than I did and will most likely heal from those emotional injuries.
Another response of some the young women who have come to me is to use their abuse as an excuse for their lack of effort - attending class, doing homework, etc. They do not appreciate it when I tell them that those issues will only continue to haunt them if they continue to allow them to be crutches or obstacles to moving forward.
I never thought ahead as to what my life story would lead me into. I recognize that I do not have the professional skills of counseling, but I do pray and check in with them often. I can actually see the healing process being effective for a couple of them. This brings such joy to me.
As Paul said in Romans 8:28, God really does make the trials in our life become something good. I am not only given the right to speak from experience to these girls, I am able to show them the mighty power and love of Jesus Christ, and that He is the true Healer.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Learning to Trust
Trust, for most people, is something they understand and accept. As infants, most children quickly learn to trust their mother's voice and the touch of her hand. Little girls learn quickly that their Daddies will protect them from the monsters under the bed. With these trusting relationships in their childhood, children learn to trust their friends, and the other adults in their lives. Trust is pretty much a normal part of their nature.
Without those trusting relationships early in life, the ability to trust is very difficult to develop. Lack of the ability to trust affects their ability to make lasting friendships or find stability in almost any other kind of relationship.
Throughout scripture there are references comparing the behavior of our earthly fathers to those of our heavenly father. In Luke 11:13, the scriptures relate a comparison of the generosity of our early father to the greater generosity of our heavenly father, Hebrews 12:9 compares our earthly father to the discipline of our heavenly father. Matthew 5:45 states that we can be children of our father in heaven. With these statements, is it any wonder that the characteristics we see in our earthly father's have a strong influence on the characteristics we see in our Abba Father, our Daddy?
As I child, I suffered unspeakable abuse at the hands of my mother and her gentlemen friends and my father did nothing to stop it. Rather than providing me with the protection he should have given, he walked out, went to work, and pretended everything was fine in his life. That is the image I have of him. Sadly, I have brought that image into my relationship with others in my adult life and to my relationship with my heavenly father. Just as I wanted to believe that my father truly loved me and wanted to be there for me only to realize he was not there for me, I have often found myself questioning the promises of God's steadfast presence and loving care of me on a day by day basis. Although I fully believe that Christ's death provided my salvation and that one day I will be with Him in heaven, I have struggled with our day to day walk. My earthly father expressed his love, then left me to face the day to day struggles on my own. Does my heavenly father do the same?
So why am I sharing this? This trust issue is one of the most difficult emotional issues for complete healing from my abuse. I find it difficult to trust anyone, including my husband. How blessed I am to be married to a very loving and patient man. He is able to love me in spite of how often I feel "let down." But even more difficult, has been my inability to separate the messages I received from my earthly father from the messages of my heavenly father. I'd like to say those doubts are gone, but it is not that easy. I have reached the point of understanding that trust or my lack of trust is the problem. I have also reached the point where I know, at least in my head, that God is not like my earthly father. Although those doubts still arise, they no longer haunt me. I am learning to respond quickly to reject those ideas and recite scriptures that describe Him as He is. I have learned that He does not let me down or walk away when the rough spots arise. Instead, I have been listening the the words of Satan. As Christ answered the tempter with words of scripture, I am finding it easier to send my tempter away as I quote God's words of love and fellowship. I know that as time moves forward and I continue to recite His promises, the tempter will walk away, just as he did with Christ.
Scars of abuse are deep. The physical scars scab over and heal, but the emotional and spiritual scars often require God to heal from the inside. This takes time and effort on His part as well as mine
.
I praise my Savior for His unending love and sacrifice that began my walk with Him. I am grateful for His patience with me and the power He has given me to work through this issue. I have not reached perfection, but I have a heavenly Father who is perfect. Someday I will sit on my Abba Father's lap and truly enjoy his ever present love, comfort, and mercy.
Without those trusting relationships early in life, the ability to trust is very difficult to develop. Lack of the ability to trust affects their ability to make lasting friendships or find stability in almost any other kind of relationship.
Throughout scripture there are references comparing the behavior of our earthly fathers to those of our heavenly father. In Luke 11:13, the scriptures relate a comparison of the generosity of our early father to the greater generosity of our heavenly father, Hebrews 12:9 compares our earthly father to the discipline of our heavenly father. Matthew 5:45 states that we can be children of our father in heaven. With these statements, is it any wonder that the characteristics we see in our earthly father's have a strong influence on the characteristics we see in our Abba Father, our Daddy?
As I child, I suffered unspeakable abuse at the hands of my mother and her gentlemen friends and my father did nothing to stop it. Rather than providing me with the protection he should have given, he walked out, went to work, and pretended everything was fine in his life. That is the image I have of him. Sadly, I have brought that image into my relationship with others in my adult life and to my relationship with my heavenly father. Just as I wanted to believe that my father truly loved me and wanted to be there for me only to realize he was not there for me, I have often found myself questioning the promises of God's steadfast presence and loving care of me on a day by day basis. Although I fully believe that Christ's death provided my salvation and that one day I will be with Him in heaven, I have struggled with our day to day walk. My earthly father expressed his love, then left me to face the day to day struggles on my own. Does my heavenly father do the same?
So why am I sharing this? This trust issue is one of the most difficult emotional issues for complete healing from my abuse. I find it difficult to trust anyone, including my husband. How blessed I am to be married to a very loving and patient man. He is able to love me in spite of how often I feel "let down." But even more difficult, has been my inability to separate the messages I received from my earthly father from the messages of my heavenly father. I'd like to say those doubts are gone, but it is not that easy. I have reached the point of understanding that trust or my lack of trust is the problem. I have also reached the point where I know, at least in my head, that God is not like my earthly father. Although those doubts still arise, they no longer haunt me. I am learning to respond quickly to reject those ideas and recite scriptures that describe Him as He is. I have learned that He does not let me down or walk away when the rough spots arise. Instead, I have been listening the the words of Satan. As Christ answered the tempter with words of scripture, I am finding it easier to send my tempter away as I quote God's words of love and fellowship. I know that as time moves forward and I continue to recite His promises, the tempter will walk away, just as he did with Christ.
Scars of abuse are deep. The physical scars scab over and heal, but the emotional and spiritual scars often require God to heal from the inside. This takes time and effort on His part as well as mine
.
I praise my Savior for His unending love and sacrifice that began my walk with Him. I am grateful for His patience with me and the power He has given me to work through this issue. I have not reached perfection, but I have a heavenly Father who is perfect. Someday I will sit on my Abba Father's lap and truly enjoy his ever present love, comfort, and mercy.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Facing my past
For most of my adult life, I have been running from any connection with my natural family. My father passed away about 15 years ago; and I began praying for my mother, the source of my childhood abuse. I know that those prayers have brought healing to my heart.
I have been asked several times, including from my husband, "If you are healed, why didn't you reach out to your mother to build a connection with her...or with your other family members." That is a difficult question to answer. But, I'll try. I did attempt at one time to express forgiveness to my mother, and the response was her denial that she needed any forgiveness from me; then more of her violent comments and threats continued. She did not want my forgiveness, but I offered it anyway. That was when I began praying that God would work in her heart.
As for the rest of the family, my memories are filled with violence and threats of violence. There was nothing I could do to protect myself and my children from them, except to cut off all connection to them. I believe God has made it possible for me to put them and their violence behind me. Although, I did not have those propensities, I was afraid that I would someday become like them. About 20 years ago, my husband took a step in helping me to separate myself from those fears. He changed my middle name, the same as my mother's, and gave me a name that would reflect that change in heart. Now I, like the biblical Ruth, have left the "country" of my birth, and have chosen to follow my husband into a relationship with those of my "new country," those who have made a personal decision to follow Jesus Christ.
However, I have recently been able to make a connection with a former sister-in-law and her son, both strong Christians. I was concerned about how this meeting would affect me. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed my time with them. As a matter of fact, if my nephew had hugged me any harder, we would have been permanently attached. It was great to see his enthusiasm at being with me after about a 15 year absence. We all spent time catching up on where we are today, and then started looking through the paperwork she brought with her. I was surprised at some of her findings because they differed from what I had learned, but the information she had regarding my immediate family, including family pictures from my childhood, interested me the most. I have no pictures, so was intrigued by what she found. There were school pictures and some pictures of my family. One was of my father and 7 of their 9 children. Another was one of my mother and father. Not only were the pictures old, but my memories of my parents are almost as old, and my memory was correct. I truly do look very much like my mother.
Some of the pictures were of siblings who were separated from the family; when they were six years old and younger they were placed up for adoption. The oldest of those children was never adopted, but was raised in a stable foster home situation. I met him when he was about 30. He was also a Christian. Those pictures brought the good times we had with each other back into my mind and my heart. My sister-in-law stated that this brother would love to reunite with me. I agreed and gave her permission to give him the information he would need.
Am I still running from my family? No, I do not believe I am. However, I continue to choose not to go back into the world of those controlled by their violence. Does this decision feed the infections that I spoke of earlier? I do not think so. There is a reality about safety that needs to be acknowledged. As a wife and mother, I have an obligation to create a safe haven for my family. Yes, the memories are difficult to face, but God has shown me that He truly has brought a great deal of healing to my heart.
I have been asked several times, including from my husband, "If you are healed, why didn't you reach out to your mother to build a connection with her...or with your other family members." That is a difficult question to answer. But, I'll try. I did attempt at one time to express forgiveness to my mother, and the response was her denial that she needed any forgiveness from me; then more of her violent comments and threats continued. She did not want my forgiveness, but I offered it anyway. That was when I began praying that God would work in her heart.
As for the rest of the family, my memories are filled with violence and threats of violence. There was nothing I could do to protect myself and my children from them, except to cut off all connection to them. I believe God has made it possible for me to put them and their violence behind me. Although, I did not have those propensities, I was afraid that I would someday become like them. About 20 years ago, my husband took a step in helping me to separate myself from those fears. He changed my middle name, the same as my mother's, and gave me a name that would reflect that change in heart. Now I, like the biblical Ruth, have left the "country" of my birth, and have chosen to follow my husband into a relationship with those of my "new country," those who have made a personal decision to follow Jesus Christ.
However, I have recently been able to make a connection with a former sister-in-law and her son, both strong Christians. I was concerned about how this meeting would affect me. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed my time with them. As a matter of fact, if my nephew had hugged me any harder, we would have been permanently attached. It was great to see his enthusiasm at being with me after about a 15 year absence. We all spent time catching up on where we are today, and then started looking through the paperwork she brought with her. I was surprised at some of her findings because they differed from what I had learned, but the information she had regarding my immediate family, including family pictures from my childhood, interested me the most. I have no pictures, so was intrigued by what she found. There were school pictures and some pictures of my family. One was of my father and 7 of their 9 children. Another was one of my mother and father. Not only were the pictures old, but my memories of my parents are almost as old, and my memory was correct. I truly do look very much like my mother.
Some of the pictures were of siblings who were separated from the family; when they were six years old and younger they were placed up for adoption. The oldest of those children was never adopted, but was raised in a stable foster home situation. I met him when he was about 30. He was also a Christian. Those pictures brought the good times we had with each other back into my mind and my heart. My sister-in-law stated that this brother would love to reunite with me. I agreed and gave her permission to give him the information he would need.
Am I still running from my family? No, I do not believe I am. However, I continue to choose not to go back into the world of those controlled by their violence. Does this decision feed the infections that I spoke of earlier? I do not think so. There is a reality about safety that needs to be acknowledged. As a wife and mother, I have an obligation to create a safe haven for my family. Yes, the memories are difficult to face, but God has shown me that He truly has brought a great deal of healing to my heart.
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